


we should be lovers instead

by twinOrigins



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Get Together, Love Confessions, M/M, this is a Mess(tm), total abuse of italics, total projection of the authors feelings onto these poor unsuspecting men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 08:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7794058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinOrigins/pseuds/twinOrigins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wanna ruin our friendship. I want to take the terrifying chance and try this thing, because I think it's <i>worth it.</i> Because I think we could take something great and make it even better. Because I can't stay in this limbo any longer, I think about you all the time despite my best efforts and it's ruining my control."</p>
            </blockquote>





	we should be lovers instead

**Author's Note:**

> This started as me projecting my feelings/situation onto this poor unsuspecting ship  
> but then I started expanding on it a bit as time went by and I was like HMM I'll go ahead and post it, why not  
> IDK it's such a mess like I didn't even plan it out I took 200 words and somehow turned it into 1,000 so I apologize for,,, all of this really  
> As you can very obviously tell, I was listening to Jenny by Studio Killers while writing this. The title is from that song and so is a line in the fic.  
> Also I realized while writing this that I get so awkward when it comes to names while writing Star Trek fics bc I always wanna call them by their last names but they wouldn't do that if they were close and in a non-professional setting so like?? and do I go w Bones or Leonard THERES TOO MUCH STRESS WITH NAMES

As soon as things slowed to a lull and Jim could safely relinquish control of the bridge to Spock for a spell, he knew his destination. Not his quarters for some much needed rest. Not to the nooks and crannies of the ship in search of some dubiously legal alcohol. No, he had to get something sorted out first.

He picked up his pace, knowing right where Bones would be--lounging in his office adjacent to the sickbay, feet probably up, skimming lazily over the day's reports and humming some old tune lightly to himself. God, he had it bad.

He makes his way through sickbay, rounds the corner into Bones' office and--sure enough, he's there and exactly as Jim pictured him. Sometimes, when he gets to drinking more than he should and starts contemplating his life in the way that he never does sober, it hits him how deeply entrenched he is in Bones' life, and vice versa. The thoughts are always accompanied by a huge mess of feelings somewhere between love and terror. A dash of excitement thrown in here and there. Because truth be told, things that terrify him have always been what he gravitates towards.

Bones says he doesn't have a lick of sense. Jim says he's just having fun. The best things are worth the risk, anyway.

Bones raises an eyebrow when he notices his presence. "Jim? Why are y'here? Is there some kinda emergency, because I swear to the good Lord above I've had it up to here with those damn things. Seems like a crisis could at least occur at a normal time for once, not when I'm dead on my feet and seein' stars."

Jim can't help but crack a smile at the tirade spilling from his lips. "No, no emergency. Nothing like that."

Bones swings his feet down, scooching forward and squinting at Jim for a second. "What is it, then? You're all," He waves a hand around wildly, gesturing towards Jim and where he's perched in the doorway. "Fluttery."

Jim takes an aborted step forward, shakes his head, and then quickly steps all the way up to the desk. He smacks his hands down on the surface of it, not loud enough to be startling, but enough to make a point.

"On the way here I've been talking myself into this only to talk myself right back out of it two seconds later. Hell, I wasn't even this stressed over my decision to join Starfleet. I know we haven't _said the words_  much less had a detailed discussion about this, but that's not really our way of dealing with things anyway and--I think we should go for it, Bones."

Bones immediately straightens up, tension seeping from his posture. He's staring at him, not blinking, not looking away--his eyes wide and worried. Jim plows ahead.

"And I know you don't want to say anything despite us _both knowing how it is_. You're going off previous experience. You don't want this to turn out badly, and our friendship to go to shambles. We got a good thing going. I get that. I feel the same way, for the most part. But _Bones_ ," Jim puts both hands on Leonard's shoulders, changing his mind last minute and shifting them until they're touching the bare skin of his neck, just above the collar of his uniform. "I wanna ruin our friendship. I want to take the terrifying chance and try this thing, because I think it's _worth it_. Because I think we could take something great and make it even better. Because I can't stay in this limbo any longer, I think about you all the time despite my best efforts and it's ruining my control. So if I'm somehow way off base here, tell me and we can try to forget this ever happened. But if I'm not, then...then please take a chance. With me. For me."

Jim's speech catches up with him and the nerves set in stronger with each second that passes, until he's taking his hands away and stepping back. But just as he goes to take another step back--

"Fuck, Jim. I don't know if I can--" Jim's shoulders slumped slightly--an imperceptible difference, probably, if you didn't know him well. Bones knew this man inside and out. He knew him better than Jim even realized.

He let out a noise of frustration. "No, don't start lookin' like a hurt puppy just yet. I just...I don't know if I can be what you're lookin' for. I'm a wreck. Every serious relationship I've had since the divorce has ended terribly. It's been a very small number, too, mind you. The term 'baggage' was practically invented for me. I don't wanna ruin you." The unspoken 'I don't want you to ruin _me_ ' was lingering in the air.

Jim nods along, and then cocks his head to the side once Bones finishes. "You don't get it, do you? _You're_  what I'm looking for. I don't want an ideal, I want you. I want you, and all the complications that may come from that. I've got my own mess, don't brush that aside. We've been run through the wringer in life, but that doesn't suddenly make you or me disqualified for--for love." He says it quietly, hesitantly. "It doesn't mean there's a 'kick me' sign on our backs. You simply _being there_  in my life has made it so much more amazing, and I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like to be _with_  you. I've tried not to let myself imagine it, to be honest. But it's so hard and I'm so tired of this bullshit and I. I just. I fuckin' love you, Bones."

Bones let out a shaky breath and then stood up, moving to stand in front of Jim. "You know I love you. Even if you're a brat. You really think we could make this work out?"

Jim smirked slightly. "I don't believe in no-win scenarios."

Bones rolled his eyes. "For the love of--"

Jim threw his head back and laughed, before pulling Bones closer and kissing him silent.


End file.
